By Dr. Charles Fay

Mother’s Day is a special day for moms to enjoy some well-deserved relaxation. An effective way for kids to help mom on Mother’s Day – and throughout the year – is by assisting with chores around the house.

Chores are an important part of family life. They provide the foundation upon which responsibility, self-esteem, and strong family relationships are built. At the Love and Logic Institute, we’ve found that kids who make meaningful contributions to their families, such as preparing dinner once a week or completing household chores, are more likely to gain academic achievement, enjoy success in life, and develop a desire to give back to the community.

Here are four practical, easy-to-learn tips to teach children the value of helping their mothers (and fathers) all year round:

Tip #1: Teach kids to do their fair share of the housework without being hounded.


It will make mom’s life a lot easier if kids complete chores without frequent reminders. With one simple statement, show your kids you mean business in a loving way by saying, “I’ll be happy to do the things I do for you as soon as your chores are done.”

Tip #2: Guide your kids toward needing less help with completing daily chores.


It’s never too early to start teaching kids how to take care of themselves. As early as age two or three, kids can learn daily activities, such as getting ready in the morning, putting away toys, and preparing for bed in the evening.

In order to teach kids how to be independent, have them write down a list of daily tasks and mark them off the list as they are completed. If the child is too young to write, such as a two-year-old, draw pictures of the daily tasks with your child.

Tip #3: Assign chores as repayment for withdrawals from your “emotional bank account.”


When a parent asks a child to stop misbehaving, but the child keeps it up, the parent can say in a loving, soft tone of voice, “How sad! Your behavior has really drained the energy out of me. Now I’m too tired to clean the bathrooms. When you get them done, I’m sure I’ll feel a whole lot better.”

If the child refuses or forgets to do the chore, wise parents don’t lecture or threaten. Instead, they quietly allow their child to “pay” for their bad manners with one of their favorite toys.

Tip #4: Show kids why it is wise to be polite to mom (and dad).


When a child talks back, pick one loving statement in response and say it over and over again, such as, “Honey, I love you too much to argue.” Kids will learn that they need to use a polite tone of voice and respectful words when requesting assistance from their parents.  It’s never too early or late to start raising kids to respect their parents.

I know of a mom with a 15–year-old who had to “go on strike” with her son, because he was very demanding, wanting to know, “Where’s dinner? Where are my clean clothes?” In response to her son’s rude requests, she said, “I’ll be happy to help you when your chores are done and I feel respected.” It eased her stress level and before long, her son was a much happier, more respectful and responsible child.

Give Love and Logic a try and join thousands of parents who have discovered easy and effective ways to improve their relationships with their kids and teach positive family values.
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Scriptures to consider:

Ephesians 4:15-16
Ephesians 4:25-32

In any relationship that you have, conflict is inevitable.  You’re going to have conflict because human beings disagree.  Conflict in the home is inevitable, but combat doesn’t have to be.  You must learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.  You’ve got to learn how to argue without assassinating one another.

In every relationship, when you have conflict, you will either have a breakdown or a breakthrough.  The relationship will either be destroyed or damaged because of the conflict and there will be a breakdown in communication.  Or there will be a breakthrough to a new level of maturity and intimacy and fellowship.  The key is how you handle your anger.

The Bible says in Proverbs 11:29 that mishandled anger can cause enormous damage in relationships.  (Living Bible) “The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing left.”  More marriages and more families are destroyed by anger than anything else.

When it comes to dealing with conflict everybody falls into one of two camps.  You either tend to be a passive person or you tend to be an aggressive person.  When it comes to anger and conflict you either resist or you have a tendency to run.  You’re a resistor or runner.  You have a tendency to either fight or you have a tendency to flee when conflict happens.  In most relationships, one person tends toward being violent and the other person tends toward being silent.  I like to say when God puts couples together He puts skunks and turtles in the same family.

Some of you are skunks.  With a skunk you know exactly where they stand.  They let you know.  And when they’re upset they don’t mind stinking up the whole place.  They spew.  Everybody knows how they feel.

On the other hand, some of you are turtles.  When conflict comes you pull back into your shell.  You withdraw.  You become distant.  You back out of the relationship.

God loves variety.  Is there any alternative?  Yes there is.  At every point in your life, you are always moving in one of three directions.  You’re always moving against people in anger, away from people in fear, or you are moving with people in love. There are only three ways to move in life.  The idea in anger control is not to eliminate anger because you can’t, but to learn how to express anger in appropriate ways, in ways that benefit you and benefit the other person.

My wife and I tend to respond to each other in both ways at times.  However, she leans towards the skunk and I lean towards the turtle.  Neither response is healthy, that’s why it’s imperative we learn to express our anger and emotions in a constructive way if we’re going to experience success.

What we’re going to talk about in these future articles is very important to the success of your marriage and family.  Stay tuned for the next newsletter and we’ll start with step one of how to handle your anger in the home.  In the meantime, ask God to help you in this area…to be transformed…to set an example for your family!

It goes without saying, that if you’re looking for a local church to find strength and encouragement for your marriage, please come out and join us.  We’d love to meet you.

God Bless.

By Jim Fay

Every parent has dreaded one family get together or another. Whether it’s a birthday party, Thanksgiving Dinner, or a New Year’s celebration, we’ve all seen situations where youngsters have become the center of attention at the expense of everyone else’s enjoyment.

A child becomes so out of control or demanding that people begin to think, “Oh, great. Here we go again. Why can’t his parents do something about this? We didn’t come here for this!” Others are embarrassed for the parents, thinking, “Thank God that’s not my child.” In most cases, the parents themselves are embarrassed but not sure what to do to regain control.

A few simple Love and Logic® guidelines can help parents stop this potential nightmare and make holiday get-togethers joyous occasions where kids and parents all have a good time.

Kids quickly recognize a parent’s reluctance to handle discipline in “public.”

Don’t fall into this trap. A child’s radar picks up on parental insecurity and rushes in to capitalize on a chance to do things that are not acceptable: “Mom isn’t going to discipline me here. Now I can finally get my way. People are going to know I’m here and in control. Watch me!”

Family and friends appreciate a willingness to provide loving discipline.


They know about kids and how they should behave. Most will not criticize you for taking some time to deal with misbehavior, but many will look down on you if you don’t live up to your parental duty.

Excuse yourself while handling the situation.


I remember a dad who had his misbehaving two-year-old sit at his feet during dinner. The child screamed and carried on while dad calmly addressed those at the table with, “Excuse us. As you can see, we are having a little situation. I’m sure you all understand.” And they all did. Later several relatives told him how proud they were of him for being willing to deal with his child in a calm, loving manner.

When kids cause a problem, hand it back to them.


This is an important Love and Logic rule. For example, if a child starts whining about sharing a particular toy or the lack of pizza on the dinner menu, don’t rush in and save the child. Instead, try: “Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I know it can be frustrating. Please let me know how it works out.” Many children quickly learn to solve their own problems rather than bringing everything to Mom or Dad.

Hold a Love and Logic Strategic Training Session.


Two parents I know made plans to use their next family gathering as a learning opportunity after an especially bad experience. Mom and Dad secretly hired their youngster’s least-favorite baby-sitter to follow them to their family visit. The baby-sitter waited in her car. As soon as the child started acting up, the parents called her on the cell phone. Moments later there was a knock at the front door… and you can guess who was there. She took the misbehaving – and very surprised – child home and made him go to his own room. The child paid the baby-sitter out of his own allowance.

This kind of training session sends a powerful message: Children are responsible for their own actions, and you are expected to behave the same in public as at home. The problem was handed back to the person who caused it, and he was on his best behavior at the next family celebration.

Kids who have loving limits learn to love themselves. This child – and yours – will have a much better time during the holidays and throughout the year when discipline is consistent, logical, and provided with love.

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Scriptures to consider:

Proverbs 13:24
Proverbs 15:10
Proverbs 17:21
Proverbs 17:25

Step 5:    Accordance

1 John 1:7 (MSG) – But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God’s Son, purges all our sin.

To be in accord means to be in harmony with each other, to be consistent, to be of one mind.  Married couples can rekindle their romance when they experience spiritual closeness.

So often when couples marry, unless they center their relationship on God, their marriage starts off on the wrong foot.  The initial attractions for one another can only last so long, especially if there’s not a greater purpose for the relationship.

The key to closeness and intimacy is that both the husband and wife live in God’s presence.  When a couple is committed to pleasing God, the marriage naturally draws strength and closeness in a way that nothing else can take the place of.  Spiritual unity enhances romance.  If you’re not one in spirit, how can you be one in your soul and one in your body like God intended for you to be?

How do you develop spiritual accord?

Pray – prayer joins the hearts together.  When you pray together, you’re calling on God and you better understand what’s on each other’s hearts…then there’s a natural desire to show affection for each other.  When it comes to prayer, what is your marriage like characteristically as a couple?  Do you pray with and for each other?

Openness and Honesty – holding secrets of the heart from each other will wedge a gap in your intimacy.  Much romance is destroyed because emotions and feelings have been withheld from one another.  Are you able to share the joys, the pains and challenges, and how you’re doing with your spouse?  Make sure to have consistent times to be open and honest with one another.

Get Others Involved in Your Life – This is a critical component that many married couples today don’t have in their lives.  You will not always be able to “fix” a problem in your marriage.  You will need outside help to give each of you perspective and understanding.  My wife and I get consistent help in our marriage.  So often I need help seeing how my actions and behavior affect my wife.  I’m grateful for the many couples we have in our life who help us get unstuck.  Do you have other people involved in helping your marriage?  Here at FFG, we can help.  Please reach out to us and we can help.

Find a Mission – Depending on the spiritual state of your marriage, you may or may not have a mission for your marriage.  Many couples today aren’t clear what God calls them to do as a couple.  God calls Christian couples to help other people find him.  As a couple, helping other people connect with God is one of the greatest ways to build intimacy, unity and romance in your marriage.  Your lives together are now helping other people discover God.  Your marriage is a spiritual team.  Are you doing this as a couple?  Are you helping others follow God?  What will it take for you to get there?

God believes in romance.  In fact, His Spirit authored an entire book just on romance – Song of Songs.  If you apply the principles in your marriage, you’re guaranteed to increase the level of intimacy with one another.

It goes without saying, that if you’re looking for a local church to find strength and encouragement for your marriage, please come out and join us.  We’d love to meet you.

God Bless.

By Dr. Charles Fay

At a difficult time like this in our nation’s history, parents all over this country-and the world-are wondering, “What do I tell my kids about this? What do I do?”

Children have an incredible capacity for strength, and parents can play a powerful role in helping their children cope with horribly difficult events. Here are some practical guidelines:

#1: Be honest about your emotions while modeling strength.

Our children will cope only as well as we do. Children who see their parents overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and grief also will become overwhelmed. On the other hand, kids will not have an opportunity to learn healthy expression of feelings if parents stuff their feelings inside.

The key is being honest about your emotions while showing that your family remains strong. For example, you might give your child a hug and say:  This is a very sad thing. Sometimes I feel like crying about it. It also makes me mad. But I know that we will be OK…because we are strong!

#2: Limit your child’s exposure to media coverage of the event.

Turn the television and radio off when your kids are in the room. Repeated exposure to the visual and spoken images of the tragedy will create more anxiety and fear. Younger children who don’t understand that the scenes are being replayed often believe the actual events keep happening over and over.

#3: Give them the facts about the event.

Don’t try to keep the tragedy a secret! First, it’s simply impossible to do. Second, humans create information when they lack it. When children get bits and pieces of bad news, they “fill in the blanks” with their imagination. Typically their fears, or rumors that float about at school, produce more anxiety than the truth.

Children, even as young as two-years old, may need you to lay out the facts about the event. Tell them the basics, while leaving out the more sensitive details. Remember, your tone of voice must communicate compassion and strength.

#4: Listen, listen, listen.

There is nothing more powerful than an open ear, heartfelt understanding and a warm hug.

#5: Let them know that they are safe.

Our children need to hear about the thousands and thousands of wonderful people who are working day and night to keep us safe. Despite any fears or doubts we may have, our kids need to hear that they are safe.  Make your reassurance short and to the point. When parents spend too much time, too many words, and too many emotions trying to reassure kids that they are safe, it backfires. Your message will be more powerful and believable if it is very brief and business-like:  There are thousands of people working to keep everyone safe. We are going to be OK. Have a good day at school. I love you.

#6: To the greatest extent possible, maintain daily routines.

Daily routines give all of us a sense of predictability, control, and safety. When we stick with them, we also communicate to our youngsters that we are strong enough to keep going… and they are too.

#7: Involve them in helping others.

There are few things more therapeutic than helping others. Even actions that may seem small, like writing letters of support or sending a box of food to rescue workers, can mean a great deal.

An elementary school principal who followed these tips voiced amazement at how they work. “I can’t believe how well our school dealt with this yesterday. The teachers were calm, and so were the kids. Everyone is very saddened, but we are going to make it through!”

One last thought: Following these guidelines can help, but it is just as important to take good care of yourself. The healthier you are, the healthier your kids will be.
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Scriptures to consider:

Matthew 9:35-38
Romans 8:28-39

Step 4:  Adventure

A spirit of adventure makes an exciting marriage.  It leads couples to break routines and allows them to try new things.  If you want to rekindle the romance in your marriage, then try being more adventurous.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 (CEV) – Life is short, and you love your wife, so enjoy being with her. This is what you are supposed to do as you struggle through life on this earth.

So true that life is short.  We never know when our time is up…so make sure you approach every day as a gift from God.  If you love your wife (spouse), then enjoy being with her (or him).  Don’t spend your time in a constant state of tension and attitude.

As people, we tend to be creatures of habit.  We sit in the same seats, we eat at the same restaurants and order the same food, we buy the same style of clothes, the list goes on…we are creatures of habit.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it comes to romance, doing the same thing over and over again can lend to boredom.

One of the greatest causes of affairs is boredom.  When a marriage becomes too predictable, the romance can leave and a spouse can look elsewhere to meet those needs.  All work and no play makes a dull marriage.  Make sure your marriage never gets to that point.

One of the greatest enemies of romance is a busy schedule.  Your schedule gets so packed and unfortunately your spouse gets the leftovers.  You schedule the fun right out of your marriage…and you wonder why the feelings have died.  Didn’t you have adventure and fun when you dated?  Where has it gone?

Ask yourself some basic questions:
Are you fun to live with?  Or are you a bump on a log?
Are you enjoying your spouse?  Do you enjoy being with each other?
When was the last time you did something just for the fun of it?  Something unusual to break the monotony?

Here’s my challenge:

In spite of the busy schedule, decide to have fun together.  Learn what each other likes to do and learn to enjoy it with them.  If you have kids, find reliable babysitters and go spend a night in a hotel.  Try something new…try a new restaurant or a new vacation spot…go have fun!

Life is short and you are meant to enjoy your time with your spouse.

Guidelines for Sharing Control Through Choices

By Jim Fay

Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for anyone else.
For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be OK with you.
If the child doesn’t decide in ten seconds, decide for him or her.
Only give choices that fit with your value system.

Some Love and Logic Examples of Little Choices
1  Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?

2  Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this week?

3  Will you have these chores done tomorrow? Or do you need an extra day to get them finished?

4  Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable tonight?  Are you going to bed now? Or would you like to wait 15 minutes?

5  Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to leave for a while and come back when you are sweet?

6  Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your teeth first?

7  Will you be home at 10:00? Or do you need an extra half hour with your friends?

8  Are you guys going to stop bickering? Or would you rather pay me for having to hear it?

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Scriptures to consider:

1 Corinthians 10:23
2 Peter 1:5-12

Step 3:  Affection

Romans 12:10 (NLT) – Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

All marriages need large amounts of hugging, kissing, caressing, snuggling, cuddling, and holding hands.  It doesn’t have to be sexual.  Personally my wife and I practice affection everyday (there are times we’re mad at each other and we’re not very affectionate at the time…but we love making up).  We take the time to do all of the above actions.  We’ve modeled affection to our boys and they too have become affectionate (hopefully their future wives will appreciate this…).

We all have emotional needs and affection is one of them.  If a husband or wife is not getting the appropriate affection from his or her spouse, they will be tempted to look elsewhere for that need to be fulfilled.

Some of you may say, “I’m just naturally affectionate…I didn’t grow up being affectionate.”  Well?  Just because you grew up this way, doesn’t mean you have to stay this way.  Change.  Affection starts in the heart and is a behavior that can be learned.

Genesis 26:8 (TLB) – But sometime later, King Abimelech, king of the Philistines, looked out of a window and saw Isaac and Rebekah making love.

I like how the Living Bible puts it:  They were “making love.”

The Hebrew word literally means “to fondle, caress playfully.”  They were petting and having fun at it.

Do have fun being affectionate with your spouse?  Do people look at your marriage as if you’re having fun with each other?

The American Standard Version (ASV) puts it this way:  And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.

This is the first sport ever mentioned in the Bible.  You can play this sport year round, indoor and outdoor, no special equipment required at no cost.  No need to be ashamed.

A few things that will help with affection:
Appearance influences affection – when you dated you looked your best for each other.  What happened?  You ought to look   your best for your spouse, even at home.  No up-to-the-neck flannel gowns.  Throw some of those old clothes away.

Being in shape…your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.  Stay fit for your spouse.

Ask each other what kind of affection you need from each other.  That’s the best way to know what your spouse needs.  Once you know, then look to meet those needs.

If you put these principles into practice you’re guaranteed to experience greater intimacy with one another.  Have fun and enjoy your marriage!

By Dr. Charles Fay

By using four simple, yet powerful steps from the Love and Logic Institute, parents can give their children the gifts of responsibility and self–esteem. With these gifts, dads will become heroes in their children’s hearts and Father’s Day will become a true celebration of love and respect. Get started now by using the following steps:

Step 1: Show your kids how to make mistakes and solve them.
Great dads (and moms) don’t try to be perfect. Instead, they allow their children to witness some of their small mistakes, show that they are human, and model what it looks like to be a good problem–solver. For example, on a cool evening, a wise dad might purposefully leave his jacket at home and say to his kids, “Oops! I forgot to bring my jacket. I’m chilly. I sure am going to remember it next time!”

Step 2: Give your kids plenty of opportunities to make “affordable” mistakes.
Love and Logic parents know that the consequences of mistakes grow more dangerous as their children grow older. Therefore, they hope and pray their youngsters will make plenty of small or “affordable” mistakes when they are young, when the “price tags” of these mistakes are small. For example, on another cool evening during the same week, dad might say to his kids, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. I’m going to treat you like big kids. How fun! You get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.”

Step 3: If a mistake is made, provide a strong “dose” of empathy and hold your child accountable.
Believe it or not, the parents who are loved and respected by kids provide firm consequences for mistakes or misbehavior. The most loved and respected dads (and moms) provide a strong message of caring or empathy before they deliver consequences. If a child forgets to bring his or her jacket, a Love and Logic parent might say very sincerely, “This is so sad. You forgot your jacket, and now you’re chilly. We can’t drive all the way home to get it. Hang in there. I love you.”

Step 4: Give your children the same task again.
The very next day, the same father might say, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. You again get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.”  When parents give their children responsibility for the same task again, without nagging or reminding them of their previous mistakes, they send a very powerful message: “You are smart enough to learn from your mistakes!”

It’s never too early or too late to give your children the gifts of Love and Logic.  A father I know used these steps with his four–year–old daughter, Amy. He even picked the same decision – remembering one’s jacket. Little Amy forgot her jacket just once! The next evening, as they were preparing to leave for the grocery store, she looked at her father, smiled with pride, and exclaimed, “Daddy! I brought my jacket just in case I’m chilly!”

Give Love and Logic a try and join thousands of parents who have discovered easy and effective ways to increase their children’s responsibility and raise self–esteem.

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Scriptures to consider:

1 Thessalonians 5:12-15
Colossians 3:13-14, 21

2    Affirmation

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NCV) – So encourage each other and give each other strength, just as you are doing now.

The quickest way for you to put the spark back into your marriage is for you to start affirming and appreciating and admiring each other again.  It’s so easy to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses…why not start focusing on their strengths?

When’s the last time you encouraged your spouse?  Are you giving them strength or are you taking it away through your consistent negativity and criticalness?

Everybody, including your spouse, wants to be admired, appreciated and looked up to.  We fall in love with people who admire us.  That’s how you fell in love.  Somebody paid attention to you and you fell in love with them.

My wife and I have the privilege of working in the full time ministry.  We love what we do.  However, working in the ministry brings a lot of “highs” and a lot of “lows.”  There are times of great satisfaction and there are times of great disappointment.  The one place we need to find encouragement and strength is in our marriage.  We do that by consistently looking for ways to build each other up.  We don’t always do it, but we try really hard.

There’s a saying that I constantly remind myself of:  “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  It’s my job to make Mama happy and that comes through affirming.

Proverbs 12:18 (NCV) – Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing.

So true.  By our words we can tear our spouse down or we can build them up.  If you want to rekindle the romance in your marriage then you need to start affirming one another.

The best way to do that is to start verbalizing your love and appreciation to your spouse every day!  Say things like…”I love you…I appreciate you because…I’m glad I married you…I’m grateful for you…”

On the radio there was a national survey on the Top 10 Terms of Endearment:  honey, baby, sweetheart, dear, lover, darling, sugar, pumpkin, angel pie, precious/beautiful. (Not included in the Top 10 were: love puppy, wild thing, stud dumpling!)  Feel free to use any of these terms!

If you start affirming each other, I guarantee the romance in your marriage will rekindle.  Here’s to your success.

God bless!